The Book of Russel

Russel Hobbs had always put on weight easily
So when he grew sixty times
In size swimming to plastic Beach
He thought it might be his thyroid
Noodle, riding on his back the whole way
Guessed it was more likely the six tons
Of polluted shrimp he'd swallowed en route

Russel had found Murdoc
But like a circumcision
Ceremony their reunion
Was cruelly cut short pirates
Attacked from all sides
So Russell cradled Noodle inside his
Giant mouth and swam away

Their trouble, however
Was just beginning somewhere
Off the coast of Japan, russel
Was mistaken for a whale and harpooned
He managed to wriggle free
But in the fracas Noodle was swept
Away into the blood-red waters

Wounded and delirious, Russel struggled
On through the ocean, feebly humming the
Power ballad All By Myself until
He lost consciousness eventually
He drifted into the warm waters
Of the Yellow Sea
And washed up on a North Korean beach

Giant Russel was carted to Pyongyang
Where he was exhibited like a modern
Day Gulliver the regime's Glorious
Leader declared that he'd captured Pulgasari
The legendary North
Korean Godzilla russel became the
Country's biggest attraction
And 'I survived Pulgasari' t-shirts
Became the nation's
Fastest selling fashion item or would have
Done if people were allowed to sell
Anything other than manure and tanks

In time, the North's meagre food rations
Caused Russel to shrink
Back to normal size realising Russel
Was just a man
The Glorious Leader proclaimed that
He'd personally defeated
Pulgasari, and Russel was released
He was given a signed pressing of Kim Sings
Sinatra, and sent back to England, where
He wandered the streets of London
Until musician and Gorillaz
Collaborator Jeff Wootton
Let him crash on his futon

A few days later, Jeff's phone rang
- it was Murdoc without delay
Russel moved into Murdoc's new
West London home

The band was getting back together