Amateur

I just needed you to know
I gave much more than I intended
Been digging me a hole
With every step the more I fall
I wanted to clear my mind, reinvent my view
And lost my half-life with you
Well, not even close to half - alternately in between
Next to rapture and a walking death
Nothing turns out the way you plan
Nothing is perfect in your world
Crash to the ground & pick up where you land
Nothing to win, no-one to tell
I wandered inside your mind, thought I knew it so well
Start of a dozen sleepless nights
I've covered this ground before today but rarely so near
Walk with the gods, right now I'm flying
Nothing is ever left to chance
Movements are mapped and planned to show
One way or the other
You know I'd rather
Any harsh reaction to none at all
Any fear of rejection is never as great as losing all control (I know, I know)
"Tonight's the night," some old git said
And he may be right
But in another sense
And in a different light
From a different time
You'll find you've got to rise before you decline
Your means of destruction are so polite
A flick of the wrist and in the blink of an eye
Your silence says more than I wanted to know
I can read it in your smile
When you wanted anything from me
It didn't matter I had nowhere else to be
No great effort just to sacrifice my time
Every minute, every moment was so sublime
Every morning, every waking afternoon
Second guessing every feeling is all I do
Every instinct that has ever paid my way
Won't protect me or help me hide from the truth