Worst Friend

You got one friend who's a flight attendant
You got one friend who likes speed
You got one friend who always wants
To smoke inside of your house
You got one friend who secretly likes
To get peed on sexually

You got one friend who is, oh, so natural
And got one friend we all call the retard
You got one friend fighting cancer
You got one friend who I bet right now
Is barking out in the yard

But I'm the worst friend in the world
I'm the worst friend in the world
When you are down, I'm nowhere to be found
I'm the worst friend in the world

You got one friend who's in Iraq
You got one friend who dresses like Little Bo Peep
You got one friend who is in prison
You got one friend who's really
Really into feet sexually

You got one friend who could be a competitive eater
You got one friend who's one of those bad movie buffs
You got one friend who touched you inappropriately
And one friend who you are pining to touch

But I'm the worst friend in the world
I'm the worst friend in the world
When you are down, I'm nowhere to be found
I'm the worst friend in the world

You got one friend who's a MacArthur Fellow
You got one friend who a widower
You got one friend who claims to have taken
A dump in the White House
You got one friend who just gave birth to twins

You got one friend who goes to the gym
At least twice a day
And one friend recovered from severe burns

You got one friend who rubbed his penis
On TV's actual 'Wheel of Fortune'
And one friend who y'all ain't
Y'all ain't even on speaking terms