If You Open Your Mind Too Much Your Brain Will Fall Out (or: Take My Wife)

If anyone can show me one example
In the history of the world
Of a single psychic
Who has been able to prove
Under reasonable experimental conditions
That they are able to read minds

And if anyone can show me one example
In the history of the world
Of a single astrologer
Who has been able to prove
Under reasonable experimental conditions
That they can predict future human events
By interpreting celestial signs

And if anyone can show me one example
In the history of the world
Of a single homeopathic practitioner
Who has been able to prove
Under reasonable experimental conditions
That solutions made of infinitely tiny particles of good stuff
Dissolved repeatedly into relatively huge quantities of water
Has a consistently higher medicinal value
Than a similarly-administered placebo

And if anyone can show me one example
In the history of the world
Of a single spiritual or religious person
Who has been able to prove
Either logically or empirically
The existence of a higher power
That has any consciousness or interest in the human race
Or ability to punish or reward humans for their moral choices
Or that there is any reason other than fear
To believe in any version
Of an afterlife

I will give you my piano
One of my legs
And my wife