Fish licence

Praline: (whistles a bit, then) Hello i would like to buy a fish license, please
Postal clerk: A what?
Praline: A license for my pet fish, Eric
Clerk: How did you know my name was Eric?
Praline: No, no
No! My fish's name is Eric eric
The fish he's an halibut clerk: What?
Praline: He is an halibut
Clerk: You've got a pet halibut?
Praline: Yes, I chose him out of
Thousands i didn't like the others
They were all too flat
Clerk: You must be a loony
Praline: I am not a loony why
Should I be tarred with
The epithet 'loony' merely because I
Have a pet halibut? I've
Heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro
Has a pet prawn called
Simon - you wouldn't call him
A loony! Furthermore Dawn
Palethorpe, the lady show jumper, had
A clam called Stafford, after the
Late chancellor alan Bullock has two
Pikes, both called Chris
And Marcel Proust had an 'addock!
So if you're calling the
Author of 'A la recherche de
Temps perdu' a loony
I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Clerk: All right, all right
All right a license? Praline: Yes!
Clerk: For a fish praline: Yes!
Clerk: You are a loony
Praline: Look, it's a bleeding pet
Isn't it? I've
Got a license for me pet dog Eric
I've got a license for me pet cat Eric
Clerk: You don't need a license for your cat
Praline: I bleedin' well do and I've got
One! Can't be caught out there!
Clerk: There is no such thing
As a bloody Cat license
Praline: Yes there is clerk: No there isn't
Praline: Is! Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is! Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is! Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is! Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is! Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is! Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: What's that then?
Clerk: This is a dog license with the word
'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in
In crayon
Praline: Man didn't have the right form
Clerk: What man?
Praline: The man from the cat detector van
Clerk: The loony detector van, you mean
Praline: Look
It's people like you what cause unrest
Clerk: What cat detector van?
Praline: The cat detector van from
The Ministry of Housinge clerk: Housinge?
Praline: It was spelt like that on the van
I'm very observant i never seen so many
Bleedin' aerials the man said
Their equipment could
Pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards
And Eric being such a happy cat
Was a piece of cake
Clerk: How much did you pay for this?
Praline: Sixty quid and eight
For the fruit bat clerk: What fruit bat?
Praline: Eric the fruit bat
Clerk: Are all your pets called Eric?
Praline: There's nothing so odd
About that kemal
Ataturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul
Clerk: No he didn't praline: Did!
Clerk: Didn't!
Praline: Did, did, did, did, did and did!
Clerk: Oh all right
Praline: Spoken like a gentleman, sir now
Are you going to give me a fish license?
Clerk: I promise you that there is no
Such thing you don't need one
NB: The TV Version continuesthe
Album version continues below
Praline: Then I would like a statement to
That effect signed by the Lord Mayor
(Fanfare of trumpets mayor
Gorgeously dressed with
Dignitaries enters flanked by trumpeters)
Clerk: You're in luck
(In long shot now the Mayor
Who is nine foot high
And dignitaries approach a
Startled Praline organ
Music below a reverent voice over)
TV Version finishes - continuation
Of Album Version
Praline: In that case give me a bee license
Clerk: A license for your pet bee
Praline: Correct
Clerk: Called Eric? Eric the bee?
Praline: No clerk: No? Praline: No
Eric the half bee he had an accident
Clerk: You're off your chump praline: Look
If you intend by that utilization
Of an obscure colloquialism
To imply that my sanity is not up to scratch
Or indeed to
Deny the semi-existence of my little
Chum Eric the half bee, i shall
Have to ask you to listen
To this take it away
Eric the orchestra leader