Cops & Monsters (ft. Schäffer the Darklord)
[Lars as Chief Hopper]
When Will Byers disappeared
We realized he was gone
I was sipping on that bottle
In my trailer by the pond
Out in Hawkins, Indiana
Where we count the fireflies
So when a kid goes missing
It’s a tragic strange surprise
That’s when they call Chief Hopper
I’ve been dealing with a lot
I’ve been tossing turning late at night
With all these angry thoughts
I know I’ll never be the same
Since cancer took my child
I miss her every day
Her laughter and her smile
We buried her in April
Then my wife and I divorced
I spent the summer drinking
Sleeping, crying on the porch
Joyce Byers, I know what it’s like
To have to lose a kid
Searching for him in the places
Where he played and where he hid
And I promise I’ll do everything
I can bring him home
Though we don’t where he’s gone
Just know you’re not alone
Because I’ve been to hell back
In fact, I’m not scared of that much
I’ll punch that Demogorgon
Then I’ll kick him in the nuts
CHORUS:
I’m going to punch that Demogorgon in the nuts
I’m going to slap him in the face ‘cause that’s what’s up
You can’t take a kid like Will
Plus Barb has been missing still
[Lars as Chief Hopper]
Let’s face it
The Upside Down is nasty
Kind of like the Blair Witch
Threw a party if you asked me
And she invited all her friends
Hellboy, Jaws and Alien
The guest list never ends
Jason and Mike Meyers
You might see them at the coat check
Covered with black slime and grime
You’ll really find that clothes get
A bit ruined so bring a hazmat suit
You'd better pack a gas mask
'Cause the air is toxic too
Spoiler alert
We found Will Byers rottin'
Unlike Barb forgotten
Blood vessels were clottin'
Pulled the snake out his mouth
While they played the Moby score
Thought we got it all
Turns out may be more
So now it’s time find that demon
And let him know I’m serious
I’m feeling kind furious
And yes a tab bit curious
About who the monster is
I know I’m gonna kick his butt
Punch him in his starfish face and flick him in the nuts!
CHORUS:
I’m going to punch that Demogorgon in the nuts
I’m going to slap him in the face ‘cause that’s what’s up
You can’t take a kid like Will
Plus Barb has been missing still
[Schäffer as the Demogorgon]
Wait! Hold up, chief, why would you do me like that?
What'd I ever do to you, dude? Just say it, and I'll take it back
I just want buddies, I am sick of ennui
So why's everybody always picking on me?
Like, when you call me Demogorgon, that's so mean, and you're the worst
I am like you, I am normal, I've got feelings, they get hurt
When I got popped by Lucas's wrist rocket, leveled by Eleven's powers
Can't you see that when I smile I become a flower?
Why you wanna make me cry, Hopper?
I know you'll never take me alive, copper
Is this the best it gets? Midwest depression fest?
Why can't you guess the guy from Vision Quest is the right monster?
As for Barb, I can't apologize or say enough
Sometimes I'm like a lonely puppy, I can play too rough and stuff
I'm back home in my right side up in the end
I'll be back next season trying to find another friend
CHORUS:
I’m going to punch that Demogorgon in the nuts
I’m going to slap him in the face ‘cause that’s what’s up
You can’t take a kid like Will
Plus Barb has been missing still
[Schäffer as the Demogorgon]
Seriously, I feel really bad about Barb. There's no excuse for what happened
It is entirely on me, and I know this doesn't make things right, but to
Barb's family and friends I want you to know that I am deeply, deeply sorry
