A Letter to Santa Claus

Boy, I tell you what, a lot of times I used to write letters to Santy Claus and a lot of folks do. I found a letter I writ to Santy Claus a long time ago. Hope you enjoy. I don't remember what grade I was in, but, boy, it's a good letter

Dear Santy Claus

Sorry I missed seeing you last night, but I falled asleep watching Backdoor Stewardesses

Thanks for the stockingful of gummy boobs. My brother said they didn't make gummy boobs, but you sure did show him! I already done ate the nipples off of 'em! He said you was gonna fill my sock full of turds 'cause I picked on the class retard last year, but you showed him! Gummy boobs! He don't even know not even nothing

I hope you didn't hear Mom and Dad humping last night when you crawled down the chimney. Sometimes they get pretty loud. Dad's real fat and breathes hard so when he's all horned up, we don't get much sleep around here. Poor Mom. Sometimes, when they's going at it, sounds like he's trying to clean and jerk a small utility vehicle

Anyway, thanks for all the presents. Let me ask you something. Are all the elves, like, Willy Wonka Oompa Loompas or just regular-looking dwarves? I go to school with a dwarf. He's spookier than hell. He's a 3-foot 2-inch feller with a big-ass head. He's got, like, a regular feller head, just a small body. He's got enough head for three or four fellers. We call him Franken-dwarf and he gets all upset. He sounds like one of them chipmunks when he talks. I wonder if elves and dwarves have regular, big people turds or little itty-bitty midget Cocoa Puff-looking things. Figured you'd know 'cause you live with them elves and stuff and dwarves. You'd know all about it

Well, I gotta go

Larry the Cable Guy