If

There he goes as usual, my man
Breaking my foolish heart.
I really don't know what to do about him
I've told my self I've got to do without him

There he goes as usual, my man.
Tearing my heart apart.
He's made my life a mess
I've got to do this I guess
Goodbye, Joe, from here I kiss you
Goodbye, Joe, I hope I don't miss you

[Pistol sound]

If you had been on the square
And had treated me fair
And we'd not had a tiff
If you had not said
I should go and jump right off
The nearest cliff
If you had stayed off the make
And you never had taken
To coming home stiff
If I had not smelled perfume
With a nasty unfamiliar whiff

I'M GONNA MISS YOU BABY!
THINGS COULD'VE BEEN TERIFF!
Ah, what's the diff…

If you had not had the cheek
To stay out for a week
Saying 'back in a jiff
If you were not such a two-timing guy

If you weren't
If you hadn't
If you didn't
And you weren't
And you hadn't
And you didn't
But you have
And you were
And you went
And you did
And so goodbye!

If I had not seen you
Take Geraldine on the lake
In your flat-bottomed skiff
If you were not out with Sue
With your arms around her bare midriff
If I had not seen you pen sexy letters
To Gwen in your own Hieroglyph
If you had not left me home
When you had two seats for South Pacif

I'M GONNA MISS YOU, BABY
YOU WERE TOO DARN PROLIF
Ah, what's the diff

If you were not such a hound who
When game was around
Always picked at the sniff
If you were not such a two-timing guy

If you weren't
If you hadn't
If you didn't
And you weren't
And you hadn't
And you didn't
But you were
And you have
And you went
And you did

AND SO, GOODBYE

If when I asked where you'd been
You had not cliffed my chin
With a beautiful biff
Hey
If I had not always found purple
Lipstick on your handkerchief
If you had not told me lies
And then looked in my eyes
With a smile beautif
If when I caught you with Kate
You had not said, “It's of no signif!”

I'M GONNA MISS YOU, BABY
AND I COULD GET SPECIF!
Ah, what's the diff!

If The best years of my life
Weren't spent as your wife
With no marriage certif
If you were not such a two-timing guy

If you weren't
If you hadn't
If you didn't
If you weren't
If you hadn't
If you didn't
But you had

And then we coulda
And you didn't
Though you shoulda

If you didn't
If you weren't
If you hadn't
If you didn't
But you were
And you have
And you went
And you did
And so
Good bye
See ya later, Joe