Truth (Spoken Word)

I choose to let truth have the final word
Even though lies are much easier to believe
I fight in a daily battle against anxiety that tells me that "I'm not enough
I'm not beautiful, I'm not successful, my voice doesn't matter
And my words don't hold value"
And I can't even say that anxiety says that "I'm not loved and cherished"
Because anxiety takes a step further into my insecurities and says "I'm not even able to be loved. I'm not еven capable of giving love. I should hang up my coat or throw in thе towel or give up the hope of hoping to matter because I am far from lovable. Not even decent, just breath and bones with density decreasing moment by moment each minute of the day."
Every second of every hour I hear my mind say "Just stay in bed don't get up, why would you add to the world? You're a burden. You're too much. You're too cliché, rhyming girl in the world. You have nothing to offer, you have nothing to say. The songs they liked were a one time thing, the videos will fade. Just stay in bed, don't get up! Don't brush your hair, don't eat, don't sleep
Just stare at the wall and think about the most awkward things you've ever said. Ruminate over the worst parts of your day. Start a cycle of fear, pain and doubt where you can't function or process freedom or being free from the weight on you heavier than shame, heavier than pain because it bears the reality of every negativity ever named. Don't text your friends. Give it weeks at a time, don't answer your phone but let it ring. Push the little button so it rings on silent, so people think your changing the world and writing songs when your really in a dark quiet room staring at the wall."
I fight
Some would say to fight is to be free from all pain
But the reality is my fight is the ability to see pain, to see my brokenness broken before a battle everyday
Where I choose to let truth have the final say
I'm not asking my pain to never exist because without it discussed, beauty could never exist
Without pain I would never understand healing and without being weighed down I couldn't appreciate freedom
So when my mind starts to wonder and my thoughts start to scream, I let them have their moment open to show
Because this gig doesn't pay a thing
Not my time, not my intention, not even a lousy applause
I write down the exact lies that my mind wants to tell
And I let truth step up to the mic and be a headliner
Because my mind says "I'm not enough," truth says that "I don't have to be"
Because I was made at the epitome of enough for me
And He does His best work when I am weak
And my mind says "I'm not beautiful and I'm too big and I'm too weird"
But truth says "There's something wonderfully made about me"
And I can't get my truth from a skill or a mirror
My mind says "I talk to much and I should just be quiet."
But truth says, "What if there's a new season that could change the world and what if your story is the pilot? What if our minds are the biggest liars? Somewhere between anxiety, depression and our character flaws. What if they're not yet trained to always tell us what we need so instead all we hear is all our despicable and disgusting things? And what if instead of being consumed with the fix, we sat in the hurt the pain and the sick. We wrote down the untruths and the doubts and the worst and we choose in the moment to let truth have the final word even when lies are easier to believe."
When sad songs are more fun and isolation more convenient
Or when it's painful to break down day after day but somehow it's easier than speaking and asking for help
When panic attacks are easier to understand than peace even though they tear us apart and leave us feeling weaker than the moment we started
I fight a daily battle and I make a daily choice
In the discombobulated truth that is my world when I don't always believe it and even when I don't know how
I choose to let truth have the final word