Dissociative Amnesia
(Verse One)
Well, now, it's coming back to haunt me
The imagery is surfacing
Of what you did to me
To my friends and family
Stacking everything up on each other
I'm fearing I'm breaking
Can't escape this time
No matter how much I beg
The inner workings made me forget
Of what you did when I was young
You can call it being young
But nothing changes the trauma
That you gave to me
Of every time you pushed the limits
Of every time I tried to back away
What did you want from me?
(Chorus)
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
(Verse Two)
We can play our games
And you try to inch closer
And all the signs I gave
For you to back away
You only tried harder
Is there a way to escape this?
Someone guide me to the exit
Lead me to the concluding closure
I don't want this to affect me anymore
But everything I've said about you
Has found a way to burrow into
My endless subconscious thoughts
And I can't forget
I'm only going to remember more
I'm pleading to move on
I just want to move on
The visions of all that you did
To my family, to my friends
All you did to me
They're engraved in here
(Chorus)
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
(Verse Three)
The steps you had taken
I should have seen them
But I was too young to comprehend
How could I understand?
Look, I don't know where to go from here
I'm trying to figure it out
But I don't know where to start
And it's all coming back
And I don't know what to think
A breakdown in my father's car
Driving back to Ludington
The topics arose
And the pieces fell into place
My father saw them connect
The stare I gave
Off in the distance
The highway flying back
It sucks crying in front of a parent
Especially when they went through a similar experience
It all sparks the memories in my mind
(Chorus)
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
(Verse Four)
Cowardice actions
Advancing on someone
For how much I tried to push back
You kept on going
What did you do when I was asleep?
Do I want to know what happened to me?
I hate the times I speculate
Because I see the connections to everything
I just want to escape
Leave the past behind
But I judge everyone I meet
To what you did to me
No, I can't forgive
No, you can't amend
I just have to avoid you
As best I can
That Goodwill doesn't exist
Well, it does, but I won't go to it
I'm a pacifist, I'm a pacifist
But if I see you again
I don't know what will happen
(Chorus)
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
(Verse Five)
I won't let you destroy me
I'll move on from this chapter one day
At least I hope
No, you won't turn my friends on me
We all know you by name
I should have listened to my sister
She knew you were bad news
My mother saw the signs
Even I knew I couldn't trust you
But you made me afraid of the consequences
If I tried to bring up your fallacies
I had to wait it out
Why did I have to wait so long?
If your own brother is scared of you
I can only imagine what you've done
No, I never want to talk to again
I don't want to witness you again
I'll hug my brother and sister
They now know what you've done
They're with me on this
Hopefully, I can get away from this
Let me move on from this
Let me feel the sunshine again
I've been waiting for it for a while now
Why can't it shine now?
(Chorus)
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
What did you want from me?!
(Refrain)
I won't let you destroy me
I'll move on from this chapter one day
At least I hope
No, you won't turn my friends on me
We all know you by name
(Outro)
Rafe: Is this clock off?
Wilbur: No
Rafe: What time is it?
Wilbur: It's, uh, 7:09
Rafe: Oh
Wilbur: We have time...So, probably half an hour, we'll still be out here...
Wilbur: I panic over the slightest things
Rafe: Same, man. I have bad anxiety. I have bad paranoia
Wilbur: You have ADHD too, right?
Rafe: Heheh, yeah. And like, which doesn't help it, and Autism doesn't help it
Wilbur: I... I know that the symptoms to anxiety and ADHD are quite similar sometimes
Rafe: Yeah
Wilbur: But I'm almost convinced at this point that I have ADHD, because I have a really, really rough time focusing in class
Rafe: Same. That's- That's a big thing is focus
Wilbur: And my... I've noticed an increase of my grades plummeting since the seventh grade
Rafe: Y'know... Hmmmm- Well not, not at seventh grade, but like at maybe ninth. It's just- A lot- Eh, when they start throwing- When they start throwing multiple classes at you
Wilbur: Yeah
Rafe: Like, where you have to move around and stuff; it gets hard to keep track
Wilbur: And... My mom just... She thinks that I, like, have to be academically perfect. Like I, she doesn't like when I'm behind, and so she texts me whenever I'm behind in summer school, which I am right now. Um
Rafe: That type of parenting. Kind I say something about that? I hope it doesn't offend you
Wilbur: No. I won't- It won't offend me. I really fucking hate my mom, so
Rafe: People who try- Parents who try to force perfection out of their kids are abusers, and I'll explain why. Because, it basically makes failure not an option, and, here's the thing, nobody's perfect. You'll never be perfect. And, e-, And if people strive to always be perfect, people will expect that out of others, expect that of you, and if you end up in a field where It's really hard for you to focus, really hard for you to be great, people will notice and it will stress you out more and more until you break
Wilbur: It's funny because that's exactly what's happening. And um... Here's my gripe towards my mom. She doesn't want me to 'be like her.' So she- Whenever she yells at me about school or something, she'll bring her own life and her own choices into it. What she doesn't understand is that I'm not her. And... Same-... I don't know if I've mentioned this to you before or not but, um... Have I told you that in the past I've requested to be put on ADHD medication
Rafe: Yes, you have
Wilbur: And that my mother refused because she thought I was going to abuse it?
Rafe: Yes, I remember that conversation
Wilbur: Why would she think something like that? And, the fact that it could've helped me is even funnier. And... I... Here's the thing, I- have. Do you also have terrible motivation?
Rafe: I-I have suffered from it before. When, uh, when the pandemic hit and I became a shut-in, it was really hard for me to even make music, which was my main passion
Wilbur: Is that the reason why you hardly released anything in 2021?
Rafe: Yes. Because I was- I got- I hit an episode of depression. A month long episode of depression. I just had a breakdown in November, two, at that point of time. So, that was like in 19. 2019. And-
Wilbur: Is that why you made November or no?
Rafe: Was it the same year?
Wilbur: Yes
Rafe: I think that was-. Maybe. No, I, I like made November because I thought- I was inspired by Japanese Breakfast and her project, June
Wilbur: Oh, yeah. I've heard of that
Rafe: But, I did have two breakdowns that month, because everything was piling up, from school, from Courtney, Trevor and Travis, from my- from the expectations that my father has on me, from all the expectations people have on me in general, and I snapped twice that month
Wilbur: The snapping point came out in 2017, right?
Rafe: Yeah
Wilbur: Okay
Rafe: Either that or '16. I think '17 is right
Wilbur: Uh, I think I'm going through my breakdown
Rafe: Your breakdown phase?
Wilbur: Or my breaki- breaking point, rather
