Internal

With so much going on isn't it time for you to crack
Under all this pressure people keep placing upon your back
Kuz I know you're starting to stress worried about an attack
Of panic starting to occur kuz you know you can't finish jack
I'm working as hard as I can, just give me some time
I have so much piling up I'm slowly trying to climb
I know I shouldn't have waited I've been knocked out of my prime
But I gotta keep focused and try to stay on the grind
Give it a break, you're almost an adult and what do have to show
You've kept your nose in books for so long, your childhood is letting go
You're a burnt out gifted kid whos screwing up what was bestowed upon you
And now dont know where the hell in life you'll follow
Yeah I've spent most of my time studying rather than enjoying
Spending time with friends which on the inside is destroying me
Kuz I want to succeed and hopefully try avoiding
Failing at what I do and prove I'm not disappointing 
Have you taken a hard look at yourself it's a little late for that
Seriously, nothing stands out about you you just fall flat
No one would give you the time of day, you're just ignoring the facts
That anyone could do better than you I mean haven't you thought of that
Why don't you give it a rest, I've been trying to look fitter
I'm training all the time and I've been trying to get quicker
I know I'll never be the best looking but it doesn't leave me bitter
I just want it to be enough for a girl to consider
Hate to tell you but _______ will never give you the honor
Of taking them out or to even be bothered 
To think of you two as anything more than two friends
Just keep your mouth shut kuz you'll make things awkward
As longs as she's in my life I couldn't really care less
I won't tell her how I feel, keep my emotions suppressed
Maybe someday I'll be enough to finally impress her
And eventually I'll be lucky enough to find some success
Aren't you always talking about how much you just wanna end it
With the way everything's looking I actually recommend it
But don't look in the mirror thinking your conscience will prevent it
But its not like you'll grow a pair and actually attempt it
Shut up, I was ready for it with a switchblade in my grip
That night I was a wreck my mind really began to slip
Thinking about where would be the best place to start to rip
Kuz all I wanted was to have a swift one way trip
And isolation didn't help when I needed comfort from others
I really needed someone to turn to when I began to uncover
Feelings towards myself that I never wanted discovered
And I spent all that time wishing that I didn't have to suffer
Kuz I felt like me as a person was never really good enough,
I always managed to take something good and screw it up
Repeated being told that I no longer wanted to hear it from anyone
That feeling of disappointment and stupidity hurt in the long run
But sadly your still here, it was obvious you couldn't follow through
Should've done it when you had the chance kuz nobody would miss you
You owe an explanation, like your stay here, it's overdue
I thought about so much that night, if you only knew
I didn't want my family to come wake me and find me soaked
While I lay there motionless because of what I provoked
Upon myself, they'd be in pain questioning it and would've hoped
That it was a twisted dream from which they hopefully awoke
If you did it, your quote friends wouldn't have given a damn about what happened
You're probably right but I didn't want to give them the satisfaction
Of knowing that I took their words to heart and this was my reaction
Plus there'd be idiots highlighting my death for the attraction
Well no matter what you're still just a disappointment
In everyone's eyes you can see their discontentment
I'm through listening to you, I should've just avoided it
I wish I could get rid of you but I guess I have to accept it
Constantly contradicting
Always in my mind, thoughts are spinning
My conscious repeatedly afflicting 
So much damage that just keeps getting
Worse as it keeps constricting
Myself from peacefully existing
While this fight im currently facing
Rages on and each side is resisting
I don't know where this internal struggle will be taking me
As I try to call for help but can't release my aching pleas
Because my conscience is continuously berating me
Trying to tear me apart ultimately betraying me
I can't look in the mirror without staring at my antagonist
That I've created through self hatred over time by accident
Now my life's dictated by a feeling of being inadequate
I'm so infuriated that my conscience is a dark catalyst
By clouding up my focus and converting any splendor
That life once held, turning me into a pretender
Since I lost motivation I'm no longer a contender
I don't want this no more, I give up, I surrender...
I surrender
Damn