The coprophagia diet
You've ever been in your hotel, you turn the lamp one switch, the light doesn't go on, then you turn it again and it does? It's fucked up. That's an easy problem to fix at the lamp factory, but you know what some pothead kid going "Hey, you just have to turn it twice man, just keep it going." NO! DON'T KEEP IT GOING! FIX IT! So now when I'm at a hotel I turn it once it doesn't go on, I don't read that night. I wait till the next night and then I only have to turn it once. Hmmm? Problem solver, who wants me on their corporate team. I'm a hustler. I ask questions
I think we should legalize marijuana in this country. YEP! YEAH. So potheads have nothing to talk about ever again. You are so annoying. No one ever sees me taking this angle but I do with some force OK? Grow up and do coke like an adult
How many people in here have never waited tables in your entire life, not a single day. OK. OK. You people are assholes. Huh? Huh? Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their life. So they realize their ranch dressing isn't that fucking important. "BUT I NEED IT FOR MY FRIES!" Well your a sick freak who should be beaten. Cause that is disgusting. You are one step away from dipping mayonnaise, and we remember that kid in school, don't you? You know what he's doing now? He's in Alcita
You ever daydream about what you would do if you won the lottery, but you don't buy lottery tickets. You spend all day thinking about things you'll do when you win, but the thought of buying a ticket has never popped in your brain. My biggest fear is my next door neighbor knocks on my door, "Daniel! Get out here! I just won the lottery, I'm out of here for good." "Have you told anybody yet." "No you're the first one." I don't know if you can cremate someone in a gas fireplace but I'll find out. Feet first I reckon
I'm gonna be cremated when I die- I know this is a bit morgue but you can handle it. I wanna be cremated from the neck down. And then at my funeral when people are talking about me you have to hold my head. And I don't even want my eyes closed just one of them. "He always wanted to be a pirate." and my Mom will be like "This is really awkward, but he said we wouldn't get the booty if we didn't do this". And at the end they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least 3 hits or they have to start the whole service over and in the back row GUESS WHO'S THERE KARCH KIRALY HE JUMPS UP HE'S LIKE [Hit's table] and then everybody goes to the after party. And I'm gonna have a treasure map for my will. Thank you, for just kind of laughing at that. Could you imagine, your best friend dies, you're totally- your heartbroken, you think you know him so well, you go to the reading of the will and they hand you a treasure map. You're gonna be like "OH! THIS GUY IS AWESOME! GET MY LUCKY SHOVEL!" but you don't need a shovel because it turns out it's 2 kids in Scotland in a church. I'm sorry, whoops
Cars, homes, you can have it. I don't need it. I want to get rich enough in life where I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people will be like "Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? That was fucking beautiful honey! We should get doves!" "I bet that's John Woo's kid"
If I win the lottery I'm repaying the service industry for all the shit they had to take. I'm opening up ONE RESTAURANT called "Thank you for calling, how may I help you?" some of you. Yes. It is fun. The employees have to pick up the phone and go "Thank you for calling 'Thank you for calling, how may I help you?' how may I help you?" Makes me laugh and it keeps them in school. That's 2 birds. I pay the servers 1,000 dollars an hour plus tips. So it's 1,025 on weekends 1,032. Depends on if you have a good section. I also give them 500 dollars every time they slap a customer in the back of the head. Go ahead and say it sensitive side, "we're not gonna go to that restaurant and be a part of those shenanigans". Yes you will the foods delicious! And everything on the menu is under a dollar cause I'm using my lottery money. But here's the hangup. I'm gonna make the chairs a lot higher than the tables. So people are like "This place is great but why the hell do we have to eat like this? This is uncomfortable! And dangerous! This minestrone is extra hot! I know it's under a dollar Janet but I'm having trouble digesting properly. I hate your mom!" It'll start fights. You ever watch happy couples fight in public? Isn't it great? Your like "OH YES THEY'RE MISERABLE TOO!" On Thursdays everybody at your table can win 750 dollars in cash if I come by and put my balls in your drink. It's an awesome promotion. I'm surprised Bennigain's didn't come up with it years ago. People see me walking by, "Hey there he is, why don't you put your balls in my drink" "There's no favorites here you freak!" I find something "Here you go young lady BLOOP BLOOP, put 'em in one at a time I don't wanna splash I'm very considerate! I've seen other club owners put both their balls in at the same time, that's gonna melt your ice! That's an old episode of Mr. Wizard. Shocks the system or something I don't know! I- I- am- a lot of you: "Oh I'm not gonna laugh at this joke, ball in a Martini. I've heard 3 of them today."
I just get sick and tired of these promo's for the news when they say "Stay tuned, at 10:00 local restaurants that you love to eat at. Wait till you find out what we found out." Is there anybody else at home getting really upset like one "Hey, I don't wanna know. That place is great. And they have convenient parking". The worst one that makes your skin crawl. "Hotel's that you've slept at." and they show a hotel. And you're like "Aw man I was there last week." then they show a room and your like "That was my room" Then they go in your room and your stuff's still there and there's a maid with a toothbrush and shes just going [smacks table]. Yeah! And your like "WOAH THAT'S NOT WHAT A SONIC HAIR IS FOR!" but it looks 3 shades whiter so your kind of impressed. Your like "What a machine it was worth the hundred bucks! 120 I know."
