Magic: The Swaggering

MTG
Arena

Question
How does a man that's never played Magic
Rise to the top so fast and dramatic?
Winning my first and only competitive tournament
That went down as a classic
Let's go back to the past
Back to when I was young and naive
I was asked to compete for some reason
They probably wanted some comic relief
I was an amateur
But in Magic I saw a challenge
It was calling out
And I was forced to answer it
And join the gathering
Before I knew it it was actually happening
I happened too fast to be panicking
I was packing my bags and was travelling
To an international competitive celebrity battle
Of Magic: The Gathering

I'm winning at Magic: The Gathering
My win ratio's actually staggering
The top slot on the whole of our planet's
The only one that I'm inhabiting
I'm winning at Magic: The Gathering
My win ratio's actually staggering
The top slot on the whole of our planet's
The only one that I'm inhabiting

Whatever your tribe
They better be hiding
When I arrive at the arena
I'm getting behind the enemy lines
Your mind and the meta is mine
I clean up
Me and Autumn are sweeping the board
Tap lands for all the mana we can afford
There's no way we're leaving the tournament today
Without receiving awards

I was taught by the awesome Autumn Lily
But that's not important really
Because of course I'm clearly the one with the skill
They merely brought it to me
Yeah they might have built my decks
But I was buffed already, want to feel my pecs?
Yeah that wasn't even a real hard flex
Next time I deal cards I will cast Hex
I'm a swell singer when I start my sets
I'm a Spellslinger with my starter sets
Sat focused
Known as the Black Lotus
'Cause I'm playing hard to get
But Magic cards aren't the only commodity I collect
I'm also amassing a mass of the massivest wins
With which I command respect

I'm winning at Magic: The Gathering
My win ratio's actually staggering
The top slot on the whole of our planet's
The only one that I'm inhabiting
I'm winning at Magic: The Gathering
My win ratio's actually staggering
The top slot on the whole of our planet's
The only one that I'm inhabiting

I have the highest win rate
Of any professional Magic: The Gathering player
In the world: 100%
And I'm gonna keep it by never playing competitively again

This is but a toast
To Wizards of the Coast
With tabletop gaming
They're killing it the most
I guess I shouldn't boast
But every other competitor in it
Has just given up the ghost
I'm kicking Nicol Bolas in his old ass
Booting him into the tall grass
Hold fast when I control the whole stack
Your cards spinning round like a draft
Till they're all tapped
Came forward for the fame, fortune
And acclaim forcing every game my way
Even when I shuffle I maintain order
I'm the main draw
Look at the day's scoreboard
And my name's always in the same old place
Raise the stakes like I became taller
Playing me's an inhumane slaughter
So remain cautious Planeswalkers

I'm a plain talker
But I use words like an acclaimed author
Drawing mana from all the plains
I'm dropping down like rainwater
When it rains, it pours
When I reign, I pause
Never change the scores again
I came, I saw, I conquered
And left the tournament in scorching flame

I'm winning at Magic: The Gathering
My win ratio's actually staggering
The top slot on the whole of our planet's
The only one that I'm inhabiting
I'm winning at Magic: The Gathering
My win ratio's actually staggering
The top slot on the whole of our planet's
The only one that I'm inhabiting

100% win rate
The highest of any professional Magic: The Gathering player
In the world
And I'm gonna keep it by never playing competitively again