Pen

Kevin! Where’s my pen, blud?
D'ya remember?
Last year we would hang round ends
And you came up to me and asked me ‘can I use your pen?’
I was like sure - I’ve lent it out before
And I always got it back - but I ain't seen pen no more
Next time that I saw you, it was all kinds of awkward
I didn’t wanna ask you straight out, thought that’d be too forward
It had been two weeks by then, what, did you hope I forgot it?
While you had hands on my Parker, right there in your parka’s pocket
A month's gone by and still you ain't given it back, now my anxiety's mounting
Cos that wasn’t just some Biro, man, that thing was a fountain
Now you got me doubting, like you’re no longer mates with me
Just know, you keep my stationery - I’ll leave you stationary
Why’d do you even need it cuz? What are you even signing?
We've been friends since primary - and you can’t do joined up writing
I got that pen for my birthday, that’s a right of passage
And since my pen’s been missing, I can’t write a passage
I want my pen
I lent it to you
And now ain’t seen it again
I want my pen
Gimme back my pen
Like a striker going down in the box
I want my pen
It’s been 8 weeks at this point, this whole thing's affecting my life
I’m worrying that you broke it, and you won’t make it write
And, even if you gave it back, even if it weren’t deliberate
What if you used up the cartridge? That’s just ink-onsiderate
I’m spitting these bars off the dome, they're coming straight from the crown
That was the only pen that I owned, so I couldn’t write my rhymes down
Think I’m overreacting? Like, why you gotta take this hard?
We just had my Grandma’s 80th, and I couldn’t even sign her card
It was the ultimate pen, and I don’t mean second to last
When I was bored in class, it got unscrewed and taken apart
Just bring it back, apologise, I’m sure we’ll make amends
But if you’ve chewed up the end? You’ll get chewed up in the ends
D’your mum not teach you manners? Why all this impertinence?
You got 10 days to return it cuz, that’s when things get turbulent
I’m talking Turkish, chopped up like Saudi Journalist
When I step to you with my Sharpie, leaving a mark that’s permanent
I want my pen
I lent it to you
and now ain’t seen it again
I want my pen
Gimme back my pen
Like a homeless pig
I want my pen
You told me you’d give it back in a minute; blud it’s been 6 months
This is why nobody likes you, this is why they call you a c**t
Own up to your rudeness, wasteman - you got no balls like Ken
Next time you borrow something, give it right back like Trent
Should've never let you have it in the first place, never let you take it off of me
Should've stuck a pen in your windpipe, amateur tracheotomy
Should've Jon Wick-ed you prick with a Bic til the blood in your neck drips out
Like a kid that chokes on a pen lid, you’ll get capped in the mouth
No pen, do penance, I’ll make sure you're dead
You’ll have red on you - Shaun of the Dead
You’ve had your final warning, so now I aim for the head
And turn you into a pencil - full of lead
Pen’s mightier than the sword, is it mightier than my nine?
Your life’s like real neat writing - on the line
I’m coming round there with a gat for a chat and you know that I’ll take what’s mine
Wait - hold up - it was behind my ear the whole time!
I got my pen
I lent it to you
And now I’ve found it again
I got my pen
You clearly returned my pen
I got my pen back
Amen
Sorry I threatened to kill you, Kevin