White People (Hey Bo, Guess What?)

[Verse 1: Bo Burnham & (Audience)]
White guys, it's easy to be a white guy (Yeah!)
Yeah, white guy! We deserve a cheer once in a while
Very easy to be a white guy, very easy
But white guys get a lot of shit, and it's not fair, 'cause we've done a lot of things, ya know?
We invented a lot of stuff
White guys invented... everything but peanut butter, I believe. That's what I was taught in school, everything but peanut butter. Doesn't sound right, but the American educational system having a racial bias? No way, Joseph.
Guys, white... white people a little uncomfortable
We'll do a racial joke about the white people so you don't feel uncomfortable
White people, we like the same foods
Uh, favorite sandwich: peanut butter and (jelly) jelly
Macaroni and (cheese)
Our favorite chips: salt and vi-- (negar)
Wow! Who said it? Get the cameras on them
Your grandkids are gonna see this, know what a bigot their grandfather or grandmother were
Every non-white person, see who said that, find them after the show
Put the lights down; their faces creep me out
Guys, I'm not "perfect". Okay? I don't "use air quotes correctly."
Alright? But I am against double standards across the board
Why is it that when a woman wears revealing clothing, she's labeled a slut, yet if I were to wear her skin as a jacket, I'm a murderer
Why--If I fuck a kid, I'm a pedophile, but if a kid fucks me, I'm a pedophile again? Twice in a week? What is this?

[Verse 2: Bo Burnham & High-pitched, pre-recorded voice]
Hey, Bo. You wanna sing a song with us?
Okay
Great!
I don't know the words, though
That's alright. You'll figure it out
Alright, woo!
Hey, Bo, guess what...
What?
You're a faggot
[Audience Laughs]
Wasn't clever, it was just mean. Bigoted, I apologize for that. So I was interrupted the other day, while--
Hey, Bo
Motherfucker!
Wanna sing another song together?
I really don't
Too bad
Goddamnit
Hey, Bo, guess what...
I'm a faggot
Correct
It's not funny
You're a faggot, you're a faggot, you're a fucking faggot
You're a faggot, you're a fucking faggot
Can you turn the lights off, at least?
You're a faggot, you're a faggot, you're a fucking faggot
Is this funny to you people?
You're a faggot, you're a fucking faggot
Turn it off. Turn the track off
[Record needle scratching sound effect]
Why was it on a record player? You got a record player back there?
You have hooked up a record player?
You know, it's one thing to make that, but to press it onto vinyl is a whole other thing, alright? It's gonna outlive me
Just to be clear, I wrote, conceived, and executed the entirety of that bit. Do not give those dumb fucks any credit
It's all me, baby, all me

[Outro]
Look at you people in the Abe Lincoln seats
Bam!
Too late, too late, how dare he make that joke so late